Substance Abuse

My soon-to-be son-in-law Levi comes from a kinda wild family, and I'm not too sure that he has enough role models. I was a little bit the same way when I was his age, until Uncle Dwight Yuu'taak took me aside and gave me a little bit of advice. I think times have changed since my come-clean, as Uncle Dwight called it, but it's pretty clear that Levi needs a little wisdom from the elders. Levi is known to get a little bit rowdy on the beer, which is perfectly understandable for a young fellow who can skate and shoot the puck like he does. But there are 3 things that I'm going to tell him that he really needs to avoid.

First, he should never get caught with more than a quarter pound of weed, and I would say even 2 ounces of that BC Dee-Lite might be too much. It just looks bad, and people in the lower 48 may not understand it. Sure, we have lighter laws up here, and a lot of us use it to get through the winter, but it's all about perception. Plus, with Cheetos at $6.95 a bag over at the Trading Post, this can be an expensive hobby.

Second, avoid the gas. It's just too dangerous, because it never fails that you just get the tent set up when someone comes around with a lighter, which scares the cripes out of you. No gas, Levi.

Third, and this is really a must - meth has to be avoided at all costs. I should say most costs, because if you are a stripper, a roofer, or a Russian crab fisherman, it can actually make you more productive, until all your teeth turn brown and rot and you have to use all your savings to get the nubs pulled and to buy dentures. So, Levi, unless you find yourself in one of those professions, stay away from the meth.

I guess I'm gonna need Sarah to have this same talk with Bristol, although there's no way she could end up as a roofer or a crab fisherman.

Tight lines,
First Dude and Father-in-Law Todd

1 comment:

anandamide said...

Dear First Dude,

I can totally relate. Like you, I sit around most of the summer reading back issues of Field and Stream and waiting for snowmobiling season to start. And like you, I got a redneck motherf*$#er of a son-in-law who's as lazy as me by half (or maybe even double). Goddamn kid thinks because he's handy with a lacrosse stick that he can sit in my favorite chair, wear my favorite lumber jacket and borrow my favorite pair of Kodiaks.

Well, let me tell you first dude, by this summer I'd had enough. I fixed this lazy hodad's sled, but good !!!! I left half a pound of crispy bacon and a thermos full of coffee and bourbon sitting on the table. The smell would pretty much make a fella believe it was ice fishing season, even though it was the middle of July. What red-blooded American male could stay away? What he didn't know is I had set a leg-hold trap under the table.

Like I said, I fixed that peg-legged motherf#$*er's sled up good !!!!!

Anyway, keep up the column, first dude !!!!