Hippies Need Not Apply

Hi Everyone - We just got back from golfing like 28 holes on a beautiful course outside of Sedona, and I really got sunburned after I had a few too many beers. It was pretty cool because we saw rattlesnakes and all, but I'm too tired to write something about today. Here's a little something that I wrote before we left Wasilla for the debate preparation. I miss Wasilla. Send me back!

Folks, I'm really pretty steamed today. It appears that either a hippie or a meth head siphoned all the gas out out of my truck. While I did see a few fellas with nubby teeth hanging around the gravel lot where my truck was parked, I'm leaning toward blaming the hippies.

You see, a lot of people think Alaska is full of tough frontier types like yours truly and the whole Yuu'taak clan over in East Wasilla. Well, it's true that Alaska is really America's frontier, where people who working hard in the forests, on the fields, and in the boats can make a good living and raise a family in God's country. What surprises a lot of people is just how many gosh-darned hippies there are up here. They're everywhere!

I don't really know when they started to wander up here. I say 'wander' because a hippie never has a plan, and by cripes, they are so aimless with their lives, relying on other peoples vehicles to bring them up from Berkeley or San Francisco or whatever sin-pot they come from. They hitch rides in on the long-haul trucks coming from anywhere and everywhere. They grab some unsuspecting young person who just happens to have four wheels and a trust fund to be able to drive his crappy VW bus all the way up here. I really don't know why someone in Wasilla doesn't own a VW Bus repair shop. It would serve 2 purposes, first it would make money off liberals, what I like to call perfect capitalism, and second it would help them get their cars fixed so that they could leave Wasilla and get the heck back to Portland or San Francisco. A win-win as we like to call it on the oil fields when we find both gas and oil in the same well.

I mean, look at that whole San Francisco area. What have they ever done for the national economy? When I look at all the technology coming out of the University of Alaska, and I see real innovations like making roads out of peat moss, They could probably put a few oil wells underneath that fancy golden gay bridge, but it wouldn't be worth it. That's not a win-win.

Tight lines and Gushers,
First Dude Todd

Substance Abuse

My soon-to-be son-in-law Levi comes from a kinda wild family, and I'm not too sure that he has enough role models. I was a little bit the same way when I was his age, until Uncle Dwight Yuu'taak took me aside and gave me a little bit of advice. I think times have changed since my come-clean, as Uncle Dwight called it, but it's pretty clear that Levi needs a little wisdom from the elders. Levi is known to get a little bit rowdy on the beer, which is perfectly understandable for a young fellow who can skate and shoot the puck like he does. But there are 3 things that I'm going to tell him that he really needs to avoid.

First, he should never get caught with more than a quarter pound of weed, and I would say even 2 ounces of that BC Dee-Lite might be too much. It just looks bad, and people in the lower 48 may not understand it. Sure, we have lighter laws up here, and a lot of us use it to get through the winter, but it's all about perception. Plus, with Cheetos at $6.95 a bag over at the Trading Post, this can be an expensive hobby.

Second, avoid the gas. It's just too dangerous, because it never fails that you just get the tent set up when someone comes around with a lighter, which scares the cripes out of you. No gas, Levi.

Third, and this is really a must - meth has to be avoided at all costs. I should say most costs, because if you are a stripper, a roofer, or a Russian crab fisherman, it can actually make you more productive, until all your teeth turn brown and rot and you have to use all your savings to get the nubs pulled and to buy dentures. So, Levi, unless you find yourself in one of those professions, stay away from the meth.

I guess I'm gonna need Sarah to have this same talk with Bristol, although there's no way she could end up as a roofer or a crab fisherman.

Tight lines,
First Dude and Father-in-Law Todd

The Wasilla Town Hall

A lot of people have told me that people all over the world are looking at pictures of the Wasilla Town Hall. I know what they're thinking - we must be pretty proud to have a fine building like that in which government operates and does the will of the people and of God. I also want these people in faraway countries like Japan or London to know that our Wasilla government works because we've learned some lessons from the private sector.

First, you'll note the thing that looks like a drive through window. That actually is a drive-through window, but instead of getting a caribou burger, you can take care of quick business with the town hall, like handling minor meth violations or registering your truck. The only time we had to make someone come inside was when my cousin Darryl Yuu'taak, who owns the East Wasilla Trading Post, tried to pay his fine for selling Jager in his outside vending machine. The paperwork took too long to do from the drive-through. He later co-sponsored the '2008 Paperwork Reduction Act' in Wasilla Town Council that made it legal to sell hippers of Jager in a vending machine, next to the spawn sacks and fuel additive.

Second, the sign looks really good, but it actually is a sign that we made up of the old sign from the "Wasilla City Mall", which was the old building. We just had my brother-in-law (not that one) replace the "M" with an "H"! See, cost savings and efficiency, just like BP or GM in the private sector!

The only problem that we need to fix is the roof, which sometimes lets go with a big pile of snow or ice onto the person in the car using the drive-through window. I'll get my brother-in-law on that right away, or at least before winter. We still have a few months because winter doesn't really start here anymore until December or so.

Plus, here's the best part. Because part of the strip mall used to be a dry cleaner, they have a sealed storage area where the Wasilla police can safely store chemical drums that they seize when they make a really big meth bust. It's a good thing that this hasn't happened since August, but at least we have it when we need it!

Tight lines and firmpacked tracks,
First Dude Todd

Snowmachine Racing - Better than NASCAR!

I got a letter from Roger in Georgia asking about snowmobile racing. He likes NASCAR and wants to know if I like that too.

Roger, I try to be modest about my racing but I have won the Tesoro Iron Dog snowmachine race four times. The course is difficult but I rely heavily on the Lord Jesus Christ and my native heritage to guide me through the challenges of the track. I’m one-eighth Yup’ik and have some Curyung blood, but I haven’t huffed any gasoline in several years, despite what those liberals at the Wasilla Progressive wrote about me.

As for other motor sports, I am very happy at any endeavor that uses up what we up here on the North Slope like to call ‘black gold’. For NASCAR, I have seen a few races on the satellite but I haven’t gotten too excited. For one, the drivers don’t seem to need to navigate too many ravines, unstable ice shelves, wolf packs, or fallen trees to get to the finish. They seem to just go round and round. And also, the sponsors aren’t something that I can really see helping me push on and all. Home Depot? FedEx? Texas Instruments? How about some real sponsors that make a real product that the racers use, like Dr. Metcalf’s Pelt Salt, Sergei’s Kamchatka Bride Service, or Federal Bear Loads? Back in 2005, I was racing for Nevr-Freeze Fuel Additive but they got shut down due to them finding a couple of barrels at that meth lab in East Wasilla. But that's a different story.

I even busted my arm in one race but got a doctor to brace me up for the finish. Believe me, if I believed in all that Darwin stuff I would think snowmachine racing is one of the best examples of survival of the fittest.

If you ever get a chance to come up here, you should try your hand at NASCAR of the North!

Tight lines and firmpacked tracks,

First Dude Todd